NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.