NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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LA today:
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
channeling her this year
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”