Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The answer is funnier than the question
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.