NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs