Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out