Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Breaking news:
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit