My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
🤣🤣
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.