My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
You Might Also Like
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.