Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I put the p in pants.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube