NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
any last words?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.