Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
The glockness monster
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.