Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Always a housemaid, never a house.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.