@AlexIsCool69: *Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*
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@BaileysIrishTom: Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@Elephart: When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
@weinerdog4life: If you see a cat with a dart in it, that's my cat and I need him back, we aren't done yet.