I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Sing it!
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Realize this:
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.