Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
2023 was just a warmup
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf