@McGrumpenstein: Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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@EddieHarris216: Madonna’s vogue video, but it’s me thinking a manual paper towel dispenser is automatic.
@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?
@PaperFury: WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING • they're actually working shh this is the process • haven't slept in 19 years so this is a power nap • hoping a bakery will appear • just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in • about to scream • any second now • oh here they go
@WeissBrandon: Me: I'm going bungee jumping Mom: y? Me: my friend John is Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you? Me: that's what I just told u