“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I don’t think my car can fly
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?