aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*