Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
😎 🍻
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.