[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough