NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait