“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
what day is it?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Sniffing the broccoli
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.