Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.