[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Boom, boom, ching!
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Happy birthday to all the women