After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter