Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Good news
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?