Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
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Are you ok, human???
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???