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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
This is a true ally.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid