Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.