@kashanacauley: Obama's gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
@LosLos__: HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours? Me: Lindt truffles. HR: Me: Dr. Pepper. HR: Me: Redheads....? *winks* HR: Get out.
@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@SteelFontana: When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."