Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
No, I don’t think I will.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks