I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.