Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Covid like
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.