Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
men what’s stopping you from looking like this