@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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@jonnysun: if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
@Playing_Dad: [Job interview] Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus? Interviewer: Holy shit
@ericsshadow: My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
@squirrel74wkgn: [guy next to me at urinal] "Is that a 5 or 6?" ...about 5-1/2 I guess. "Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?" *zips up* No.