@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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@protolalia: Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
@zacharyflynn: Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
@graceful_asfuck: Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*