Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day