Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.