Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
181.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.