Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.