HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: