occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.