I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Had an epiphany today.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”