Oceanography is all about current events
You Might Also Like
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”