Oceanography is all about current events
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?