[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I hate my earbuds.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you