If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: