Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.