Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky