Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
You Might Also Like
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It鈥檚 pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
It鈥檚 really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 馃
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he鈥檒l be going back to kindergarten.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
[plane about to crash]
him: if there鈥檚 anything you want to say to me, now鈥檚 the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.