Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
was Jim off killing horses or…
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t