@Jason_maybe: Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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@gogglepossum: Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we've had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking
@AdamBroud: [slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic] little mermaid: 🎶I'll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
@AaronFullerton: I think it's unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it's "sushi," but when a fish eats uncooked human, it's "a shark attack."