Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If you know, you know
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*