Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.