Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
That’s not how days work.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.