Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.